Emerging Women

Friday, October 12, 2007

Ethical Gift-Giving?

So, I'm looking for a few recommendations of companies that sell books, toys, etc for toddlers and children and that are ecologically and socially responsible and ship to the U.S. or Canada.

My nephew's first birthday is still a few months away...but I am thinking about bending my "I don't celebrate the commerical aspects of Christmas" rule for him. ;)

Labels: children, Christmas

posted by Lydia at 8:43 AM

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Wednesday, October 10, 2007

New Emerging Parents Blog

Hi all, I'm back from the Emergent Gathering in New Mexico. It was a refreshing gathering of friends and the conversations I had were amazing. We had a good Emerging Women lunch, which I will blog about in a day or two, but first I want to spread the word about a new venture that came out of this Gathering.

One of the sessions I attended was a discussion on holistic emerging parenting. The men and women who attended were all seeking to connect with other parents on this emerging journey on how to integrate our "new" expressions of faith in with how we raise our children. Most of us have felt unable to connect with the typical Christian parenting group, and were longing to find others of like mind to engage with. Our conversation there was lively - covering topics as diverse as discipline, salvation, and how to handle Christmas and Birthdays. We all wished at the end that we could continue those conversations, and so we decided to create a blog to be a spot to do so.

Hence the creation of the Emerging Parents blog. It is, like this blog, an open membership blog. Since we have had so many good conversations on parenting issues here I wanted to share this new resource with you all. Not that parenting topics can't continue here, but just that this is a more focused area for those. It is of course brand new without much content yet, but hopefully we can all develop that together. So check it out, jump in one the conversations, join if you want, and let's explore emerging parenting together.

Labels: children, Emerging Church, parenting

posted by Julie at 10:20 AM

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Tuesday, August 07, 2007

Toy Recall

UPDATE: This recall has been expanded to include millions of Mattel/Fisher-Price toys. Please check their site.

There is a rather long list of Fisher-Price's Sesame Street, Dora, and Diego toys being recalled. You can find it at http://www.mattel.com/. Apparently, some genius with their company decided it would be a good idea to save a few bucks by having their toys manufactured in China where the standards of production are low enough that they managed to use lead paints on their toys. This could be very dangerous, so please check the list and pass this info along to anyone you know who has young children.

Labels: children, parenting

posted by Unknown at 10:20 AM

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Thursday, July 12, 2007

Let the little children come...

A few weeks ago I ranted on my blog about the trend to ban children from restaurants, beaches, and other public places. Apparently they are a nuisance and certain demographics just don't want to deal with them. As the "me generation" retires and more and more young people are choosing not to have kids, they are asking not to have to deal with other people's kids. I personally have serious issues with such an individualistic and selfish approach to life (and see it as a symptom of the breakdown of community and neighborliness). Then today Karen sent me a link to this news article. Apparently a mother traveling with her toddler were kicked off of a plane. No, the toddler wasn't crying or throwing a fit, he was saying bye-bye to the plane and that annoyed the flight attendant. In fact she told the mother that she should have given her child Benadryl to shut him up. The mother rightly replied that, "'Well, I'm not going to drug my child so you have a pleasant flight." They were then kicked off the plane.

Stories like this really annoy me, but we are seeing more and more of this trend in our society. Both intolerance for children and the pressure to drug children into compliance. Be it Benadryl to get them to sleep or Ritalin in schools, drugs have become the first option for many. (and I completely admit that there are times when both of those drugs are needed and necessary). I've had parents tell me that they want to drug their bubbly extroverted daughter so she would act more like her shy introverted older sister (and the doctors complied). I've heard parents complain about the pressure they get from the schools to drug their children so that they don't have as much energy in the classroom. And apparently the presence of babies and toddlers who aren't drugged isn't tolerated on airplanes. Basically we are under pressure to drug away childhood and a person's natural personality.

I know this topic has arisen here before, but I'm interested in your thoughts and experiences. Is our society becoming more intolerant of children? Are we trying to drug away normal behavior and personality for the sake of convenience?

Labels: children, Culture

posted by Julie at 5:25 PM

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Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Rewards, Punishments, and Faith

In the discussion on Children's Books, Amy wrote -

Julie, you mentioned staying away from the reward/punishment style of raising children. What do you use instead and do you have a particular way you church applies this to its children's programs? I've noticed recently that our kids ministry uses a lot of candy/sweet rewards, especially to offerings. It's a competition of boys vs. girls. Not that a little candy is horrible thing, but I wonder if there's a more effective way of teaching our children to give just because it's the right thing to do, or out of true compassion for missions, etc.

For those of you who have never heard of the debate about rewards and punishments let me give a bit of a background. This is a discussion that is popular in alternative parenting circles, some education circles, and is making its presence known in Children's Ministry settings. While there are many people writing about the subject, the most well known author is Alfie Kohn. His book Punished by Rewards is the most prominent treatment of the subject (and the source of much emotional debate). Here's the brief summary of the book to help give a framework for this question -

Our basic strategy for raising children, teaching students, and managing workers can be summarized in six words: Do this and you'll get that. We dangle goodies (from candy bars to sales commissions) in front of people in much the same way that we train the family pet.

In this groundbreaking book, Alfie Kohn shows that while manipulating people with incentives seems to work in the short run, it is a strategy that ultimately fails and even does lasting harm. Our workplaces and classrooms will continue to decline, he argues, until we begin to question our reliance on a theory of motivation derived from laboratory animals.

Drawing from hundreds of studies, Kohn demonstrates that people actually do inferior work when they are enticed with money, grades, or other incentives. Programs that use rewards to change people's behavior are similarly ineffective over the long run. Promising goodies to children for good behavior can never produce anything more than temporary obedience. In fact, the more we use artificial inducements to motivate people, the more they lose interest in what we're bribing them to do. Rewards turn play into work, and work into drudgery.

Step by step, Kohn marshals research and logic to prove that pay-for-performance plans cannot work; the more an organization relies on incentives, the worse things get. Parents and teachers who care about helping students to learn, meanwhile, should be doing everything possible to help them forget that grades exist. Even praise can become a verbal bribe that gets kids hooked on our approval.

Rewards and punishments are just two sides of the same coin -- and the coin doesn't buy very much. What is needed, Kohn explains, is an alternative to both ways of controlling people.

This approach forces us to rethink discipline, competition, and parenting strategies. I first encountered these ideas when I was studying methods of Children's Ministry. The discussion there revolved around two main issues. One was the tendency to use rewards/bribes to get kids to do things in church (memorize verses being the most prevalent). We saw the impact that such systems had on actually reducing love and respect for the Bible and its utter long term ineffectiveness in retention of those verses (much less basic understanding thereof to begin with). We also explored how the language of behaviorism has infiltrated of presentation of the Gospel (mostly in evangelical settings). Often people are asked to follow Jesus in order to receive the reward of heaven or avoid the punishment of hell. Long term studies that track and compare how people are called to faith (behaviorism influenced decisions or gradual inclusion into the family) have shown that the psychological issues and faith struggles are much greater in those who were given a reward/punishment option. (not that heaven and hell are not real, but that they should not be what manipulates us into choosing to follow God).

Most people don't like to discuss this issue because it forces them to consider different parenting/ministry styles than what they grew up with. The logic is that, it worked for me/I'm okay why waste energy trying to change things. But studies have shown that such a system of behaviorism does more harm than good. I like the idea of rethinking our strategy for motivating people, but I fully admit that I am still trying to discover practical strategies for implementation. I have started to evaluate what the ultimate goal of all of my interactions with my child is. Am I encouraging her to be the kind of person I want her to be (good, kind, loving), or am I using my power over her by giving or witholding my love in the form of rewards and punishments in order to get her behavior to be the way I find most comfortable?

Before I mention a few suggestions Kohn gives as alternatives, I would like to here from you all. What is your reaction to the rewards/punishment issue? What do you see as good alternatives?

Labels: children, Church, parenting

posted by Julie at 2:55 PM

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Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Children's Books

I recently got an email from an EW reader who wrote -

I am a graduate student in English and the wife of a campus minister ... We have a baby boy who is 5 months old. We've been thinking about how to teach him about Jesus (of course) and I've been looking for children's books. I am having a difficult time finding good books for children, and I'm wondering if you might have any recommendations. Perhaps this could be a good post on the blog. Many of the books I find portray Jesus as a white man or assign stereotypical roles to women and men. I would also love to teach him to pray for children in poverty, and I can't seem to find any books on this!

So I contributed my $.02 -

I'm with you on the children's books thing. So many that I find (or have been given to me) are just awful. I've yet to find any good Jesus books for kids, but there are a number of decent spirituality books out there. Some of my favorites include -

The Lord's Prayer and The Twenty-third Psalm - by Tim Ladwig (uses the familiar words with fantastic artwork that portrays inner-city life)

and books from the Early Childhood Spirituality series like - Where is God?, What is God's Name?, and How Does God Make Things Happen? (most by Laurence Kushner or Sandy Eisenburg Sasso). These books are very multicultural and focus on love and grace. They have full picture books and board book varieties (a necessity with my toddler).

and (although they are not "Christian" - by label, not intent) I like the values taught in the Todd Parr line of books like The Peace Book and The Feelings Book. (Emma especially like the idea of peace being enough pizza in the world for everyone, she's two)

and I think they are out of print, but the allegorical stories in The Tales of the Kingdom series by David and Karen Mains have been a favorite of mine since I was a kid.

But I would love to find "bible" stories that aren't warped in some way. That don't change the story drastically to be suitable for kids, that don't reduce scripture to a plithy fable, or that don't teach individualistic "me" centered theology.

So I present the question here to the diverse community that meanders to this blog. What do you recommend?

Labels: children, parenting, Resources, Theology

posted by Julie at 10:46 PM

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Friday, April 20, 2007

Children and a peaceful world

Hi all, I mentioned in a comment somewhere here that 'youth' have been on my mind and heart a lot over the past year or two in a way that I haven't experienced before. I've watched a lot going on in my community and in my own home and then further out into the cities surrounding my area (the closest ones being Baltimore and DC) and I started a blog not long ago to hopefully get some conversation going that looks at youth and the faith community and parenting....the blog is open to all, faith and non, parents and non and I invite you all to come participate. (Not that we can't discuss those things here, but there's been discussoin before about concern over making this too much of a 'mommy' blog) If you'd like to 'author' just let me know and I'll send you an invite. While 'peace' is not the focus perse of the blog, today that is what I blogged about - in light of VA Tech and the conversations it has raised in some of my circles.

Please feel free to come read, comment, or write: Future Generations

Thanks - Janice

Labels: children

posted by Janice at 11:14 AM

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Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Stay-at-Home-Dads

So the other night on The Colbert Report there was a piece on stay-at-home-dads. If you are a fan of the Report, you know that this is a comedy show with tongue-in-cheek commentary. But I was surprised by the language used here - even by the academic expert they chose to interview. To even in a comedic way say that to be a stay at home dad is to give up one's manhood shows that that perception is still a big issue.

As pastors, my husband and I both work from home. He often hangs out with other stay at home dads in the area (who feel like they are unwanted in most mom dominated playgroups and activities). Its a rising trend for dads to stay with the kids, but it inspires much negative reaction. What are your thoughts and experiences with it?

Here's the Colbert Report piece -

Labels: children, Gender Issues, parenting

posted by Julie at 9:28 PM

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Friday, February 23, 2007

Girls' Fairy Tale On the Ooze

I wrote a story, inspired and motivated by discussions with some of you about the need for different kinds of fairy tales to tell our little princesses. It's up at The Ooze under the title, Ariana and the Magic Cupcakes.

Labels: children, creative writing, Gender Issues, parenting

posted by Jemila Kwon at 1:00 PM

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Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Little boys become men...

(going from 'commentor' to my first post! YAY ME!)

Much of what I’ve read here, and now reading Sue Monk Kidd’s book (far too late for the book discussion.....) has been raising thoughts for me on how we are to raise our boys in light of the issues many of the women here express.

Can we teach our boys to be more cognizant of gender equality and help guide them from being little boys into the kind of men that better support and validate women?

How do you Moms go about teaching your little guys the proper way to relate to girls and later women?

Some of the little ‘practical’ things which can be heard common in our culture that come to mind

A boy ought not rough house with a girl
He ought to open the door for her
He should treat her with gentleness….different than he treats the guys

My little guy is 5 ½ and I have to admit that all of a sudden I'm wondering about what I say to him. I know that I have said things to the effect of: he should look out for girls, hold the door for them, show ‘care’ for them. Not that he shouldn’t care for all humankind, but I've definitely differentiated as far as girls go.

Is that substantiating girls are weaker, girls are different?? Am I setting him up to be...well, subconsiously thinking of girls as 'less than'?

And how does it relate to, if it does at all, teaching respect for elders…or say, giving up your seat for the elderly......I’d teach him to give his seat up for a girl too…but why? Would I then expect him to give up his seat for every Tom, Dick, and Harry that happens to be seatless? If not, why the elderly? Why girls? Why not guys? What am I saying by differentiating? Anything? Am I taking it too far?

Right now we get stuck for what seems like an eternity while he waits for EVERYONE to come through the door – he loves to hold the door open! Its sweet and beautiful......but I begin to wonder what am I really saying to him – or what am I conveying by what I’m saying…

Should guys ‘look out for’ or ‘care for’ girls?

How does that relate to, or contribute to (if it does), the problems many women here face or the climate of the culture (faith culture included) that we find ourselves in?

Labels: children, Gender Issues, parenting

posted by Janice at 3:03 PM

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Monday, October 23, 2006

Help with Kids

I have recently taken a position at our church in our children's ministry. I have been doing preschool, but will be moving up to help our 3-5th grade group. I also will be a part of revamping how we teach and what we teach in an "emerging" sort of church. I was talking to a couple of the teachers and they said that our 3-5th grade group is "bored". I worked with this age group years ago in an afterschool program, but it wasn't "church". They don't like worship, crafts etc. Does anyone have any experience with this age? Do you have any ideas for "lighting" a spark? I would love to think out of the box here. They love music videos, games, etc. I would really like to see our program change in a way that these kids don't want to miss coming. Any suggestions?!

Labels: children, Church

posted by Anonymous at 9:09 AM

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Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Coming-of-Age Rituals in the EC

A few days ago an extended family member “became a woman” (began menstruating). Her parents and sisters celebrated this by having a pizza party for her.

Hearing about her recent ascent into womanhood led me to think about my own experiences at that point in my life. My family didn’t have enough money to buy pizza, but I was given a small gift and the changes taking place were treated like a positive, healthy event.

I also thought about the lack of coming-of-age rituals or celebrations in the church. Many Catholics and Anglicans are Confirmed in their early teens, but I wasn’t able to think of any other rituals, rites of passage, or celebrations that the church has developed to commemorate the passage from childhood to adulthood for young teens.

Does your church do anything to mark the transition between childhood or adolescence and adulthood? How did your family or church react to you "becoming a woman" (or "man," for the male responders)? Has anyone heard of any churches that have developed such rituals? For those who have or are planning to have children, what would you like to see the church do in this area?

Labels: children, Church, Culture

posted by Lydia at 2:45 PM

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Monday, October 16, 2006

motherhood

So at the risk of crossing the line and making this blog too girly... I thought some of you might like this. If you are a mother, considering becoming a mother, or need support for your decision to not procreate - read this. I found it funny and all too true. So what is it in our society today that puts these expectations of perfection on women - or is it just us individuals? Thoughts?

Labels: children, Culture, Gender Issues

posted by Julie at 4:55 PM

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Friday, September 08, 2006

The Story in Which We Find Ourselves

"Many parents in the Emergent friendship have realized that if we share the stories of scripture with our children the way they were told to us, our kids could grow up as miseducated as we ourselves often feel. Why set them up to have to re-traverse all the ground we've had to cover to find faith? Why not equip them to chart new territory? I invite you to join me in re-telling our story."
www.findourselves.blogspot.com/
This is a new blog started by Melvin Bray. We have had a couple of discussions about teaching children in a "different way". What would it look like? What would change? What would stay the same? I have shared many of my concerns here. How can I teach my children different or even teach responsibly at church? If you are asking the same questions, or have any great ideas, Melvin would like to hear from you. It has just started, but we would love to get the conversation rolling.

Labels: children, Emerging Church

posted by Anonymous at 3:44 PM

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Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Tricky Face Painting

I have throughly enjoyed the conversation on this blog lately. It has spoken to some of my innermost questions and has been encouraging because I realize that there are many others with the same questions and struggles that I have. I admire and respect all of the comments made, and so therefore, I'd like to post a situation that I came across tonight.

I have been meeting with a Korean friend for about a year to help with her english. It came about through my church, and her and I and our families have created a deep friendship. We have had conversations about politics, faith, why Americans are the way we are, what her culture is like etc. I've learned so much from her and my hope is that she will realize that not all americans are what she thinks.

Tonight we went to a fair in town. Her daughter, 4 years old, wanted to get a free face painting. Well the face painting was free after she heard a bible story. I thought, this could be bad. So I tried to listen in on some of it, and my friend did too a little bit. I wanted to grab her daughter and pull her out of there. The face painting girl started out telling her about God and heaven and how heaven is full of gold streets. I didn't hear some of it but basically at the end the girl was telling this four year that she was a sinner and that she needs to ask Jesus in to her heart in order to go to heaven. She then asked the four year to ask Jesus into her heart right there! I was so angry. Hannah's face looked so sad, like she had done something wrong after saying no to that question. This is really the first time Hannah had heard any of this.

My conservative background says that this is the way you do it. But my emerging faith screams otherwise. I'm not saying that the things she said aren't important. But I just think it was so inappropriate to tell a four year old and I felt like it was just so they could say, "We preached the gospel to x amount of kids this year at the fair and x amount asked Jesus into their heart"

My friend asked if this was a Christian organization and I said yes. I told her that I thought what she said to Hannah was inappropriate and if Hannah asks them any questions, which I know she will, to please feel free to come talk with me. Hannah was so sad after that and thought her face painting looked bad. I don't blame her.

It felt wierd to be angry about the situation, as it contradicted the church background I grew up in and I found that I tried to convince myself that what the girl did was a good thing. But in the end I couldn't shake it, and still can't, I'm mad about it.

Labels: children, Church, Theology

posted by Meg at 8:42 PM

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