"God will understand, my lord. And if he doesn't, then he is not God and we need not worry
." That quote is from the movie "Kingdom of Heaven". It's easy enough to assign such thinking to a mistake that we've made. Whether we acknowledge our poor choice, or an accident has really happened, "mistake" is a temporary thing - not really a part of who we are.
What about those things that define us as people though that just don't sit well with us? Maybe we struggle with our weight and inwardly hate ourselves while we show the world our smiles. Maybe we hate others for being who we wish that we were, or maybe we really don't feel a thing when the rest of the world suggests that we should be more emotionally plugged in. We don't do all of those things that we feel that we're supposed
We're not out feeding the hungry, caring for the widows, and working to stop global warming - we're in doing everything we can just to keep our own little worlds from becoming unglued and somewhere inside we don't feel like that is enough.
In social situations we're polite, well mannered, and keep our problems to ourselves. Sometimes our best friends know that we can't wait to get out of church to light up that cigarette (..or for that matter, that we cannot wait to get out of church!), that we cuss like a sailor, and that we just had a screaming match with our husband the other day in front of our children.
I used the term "church" loosely mind you. It could be any typically social situation where we're obligated to go in and share our more 'political' side. The reality is that those situations aren't set up to accept reality, much less to deal with it.
So how is it for you, when you're lying in your bed in the dark? Are you assured that God will understand? Or do you feel exposed and dirty - even less loveable?
There was a day when the latter was the answer for me. I was truly so shame-filled that I wouldn't lift my chin to look at the sky. I never thought far enough forward to consider whether God would still love me if I faced him, because I did my best not to get that far. I lived in fear of the day when I would have no more choice - the day that I would "meet my maker".
When I was a child, God was my friend and never left my side. But isn't it something? ..That I laughed when my daughter was two and covered her
eyes so that I
couldn't see her, and here I, as an adult, was doing the same with God.
I put God on hold, so that I could get my life in order - make it all acceptable. I felt responsible for me and everyone else in it. I worked to create that Norman Rockwell Thanksgiving.. a long table filled with family and friends; warm lighting filled with laughter and love. I was so focused on that, that I utterly denied the reality that I was living.
There was no specific moment of personal salvation for me (from the hell that I was living that is) - that I am able to pin down anyway. There was a day when I learned that theologically, God does not condemn me, however there was something grander than knowledge at work which enabled me to accept it. I do feel that I have been saved though. I'm still the same old me, yet at the end of the day I know that God will (and does) understand. For that reason, I felt able to make the hard choices - for one to stop enabling.. but that's another story.
For a not so emotionally deep example, I was one that used to hide my smoking. I was worried about other people judging me and thinking me a bad person. As a matter of fact, I felt like a bad person when they judged me. I tried over and over to quit so that "I" could be better. I knew that it was bad for my health - and what a horrible person I was for injuring my health like that. When I felt that God would understand my smoking and the pressure was off to try and be a better person, I was able to quit. I haven't smoked in four years.
I'm a perfect human being. As a human being, I reserve the right to be wrong. He'll understand.