Emerging Women

Saturday, August 12, 2006

pastor's wife?

Leadership Blog: Out of Ur: Married to the Ministry: has the pastor’s wife’s role changed for better or worse?

I really have no idea if or how the role of "pastor's wife" has changed. I personally shudder at that phrase and think it is not only narrow, limiting and biased but it's insulting to the woman who by that title, is relegated to an identity that is dependant upon the role of her husband.

And for the record, I'm not a pastor's wife or a minister's wife or any other such thing. I AM a minister. David and I are ministers together, colaborers in the same ministry, the same calling. So please don't refer to me as Makeesha, the wife of the college/young adult minister...unless you duck first.

Technorati tags: ministry, inhiscourts, women, gender

Labels: Church, Gender Issues, Women in Ministry

posted by Makeesha at 1:48 PM

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18 Comments:

At 8/12/2006 11:56:00 PM, shawne

I agree. My church only appoints male elders. However they are tying to appeal to the younger generation by referring to them as ‘elder couples’ or including the ‘elder wives.’ The women I’m sure have there own calling and ministry that may not have anything to do with eldership, but are forced into this role. Not to mention the fact that some of the women are truly the elders. It is very insulting and frustrating.
At 8/13/2006 10:12:00 AM, Unknown

I too am not a pastors wife, however for the first time in the last year, I have had the opportunity of becoming friends with "a pastor's wife". To be honest in the tradition I was raised in (Conservative Baptist), that was all I heard when introducing "the pastor's wife". I never had thought much about the title until I heard her mentioning it one day to another person. I could tell it really bothered her, and I had a rude awakening. My church is transforming, and she has taught, and until recently was on staff, but I guess old habits die hard. I now make sure that I don't refer to her that way, she has had just as much of an impact, more in regards to the women issues! She led me to this blog, which has been awesome. So in a round about way...I think the "role is changing" for many places, and is always in transformation, we probably don't even realize how much it has changed in 100, 200+ years. Some roles will be much further along than others.
At 8/14/2006 10:32:00 AM, Lydia

When I suggested to a (male) pastor friend that I was never going to have a pastor's wife, he smiled kindly. The next day he brought me a jar of marmalade.

Great story. :)
At 8/15/2006 02:39:00 PM, Jasmin

...unless you duck first! Ha! I love it! I give you a hearty "Amen!"
At 8/19/2006 10:24:00 PM, Charlotte Wyncoop

From the margins said "Could this be an emerging advantage to women leading?"

I think there's a great advantage to upsetting conventions and redefining paradigms. When women lead in situations where they have traditionally been followers, it also suggests that the former leaders must also learn to follow. If we truly are a "priesthood of believers" meant to minister one to another, both roles would be necessary, right? If there is no pastor's wife, that role can be filled by someone else with a gift for hospitality. Men could do it, or other women, but I think it could open up a opportunity for a community ministering together, rather than the one family (the pastor's) doing it all.
At 8/20/2006 04:11:00 PM, Julie

Interesting conversation. I am currently a co-pasor and pastor's wife. I was more scared about the "pastor's wife" part of it than anythiing. I am me - I don't want to have to meet the typical expectations that come with that role. Of course I'll do some of them because of who I am (we can't not have coffee and snacks), but I will work where I am gifted. The idea of the community stepping up to fulfill the support roles that that pastor's wife has usually done is vital. If we are truly trying to birth new kinds of churches, churches where people get involved and are changed and don't just attend to be fed, then we should all be stepping to to help make the pragmatics of a church fall into place.
At 8/21/2006 10:06:00 AM, Tiffanie Lloyd

Some reiterating here, but my thoughts are as follows:

First, From the Margins-great comments! To add; I think we often place way too much emphasis on the “pastor”. Yes, God has called some to lead as pastors, but this is not necessarily the best or the most important way to do so. Pastor’s wives can be leaders too (whether pastors themselves or not). At my church there is a large young adult community. Females in this age category often meet with the young adult pastor’s wife as it is more comfortable for them to talk and share with a female. I think of it like this… God brought that pastor and his wife together, fully knowing and intending for the pastor’s wife to minister to and lead these young women. What I am trying to point out is that I agree with Soldiermom and see no harm in the label of “pastor’s wife”. Maybe it’s because I am not one myself, but I’m not sure I understand why such offense is taken by the term? To me, the title “pastor’s wife” only means that one is married to a pastor. As far as I know, there is not in existence a pocket guide to “the correct way to be a pastor’s wife”. How each woman fills that role is unique from any other. Even if others mean the term with negative connotations, the above remains true.

I’m not sure that the “role” of the pastor’s wife is changing, so much as, the role of women in the church overall is changing. (Women, pastor’s wives and not, are filling more leadership positions, speaking out more and acquiring new and significant roles in ministry.) A pastor’s wife is and will always be that, a pastor’s wife. Even if she becomes a pastor herself, or takes on some other significant leadership position she will still be a pastor’s wife. These women will continue to minister to people under this role, whether by making the marmalade or meeting with women too intimidated to speak with a man, or both.

I really like the thoughts about the priesthood of all believers. God’s design is for us to all work together, even if it means being a “pastor’s wife”.
At 8/21/2006 11:26:00 AM, Makeesha

of course the duck comment was tongue in cheek.

thanks for all the thoughts and stories. I think the main thing I would like to see is the women who are married to pastors, receive their own ministry identity. Women who are wives of pastors are not "pastor's wives". I every case I have encountered they are the women's ministry leaders or children's pastors, or hospitality coordinators or sermon proofreaders or household managers.

I guess what I'm getting at is that my identity is not tied to my husband's vocation...it's not even really tied to my own vocation but certainly not solely to his.

And I PERSONALLY am a minister myself, we call ourselves copastors. At this season, because we have young girls - one who is still breastfeeding, David does take more of an up front, "in charge" role because I often can't make it to meetings, prayer gatherings, etc. But I still teach, I still counsel, and I have an equal role in decision making and vision casting. So FOR ME PERSONALLY to be called a pastor's wife is simply and purely inacurate. So where the frustration lies, is when people ASSUME that I am a pastor's wife because I am a woman, instead of asking me what my roles and giftings are and addressing me accordingly.
At 8/21/2006 09:59:00 PM, Tiffanie Lloyd

Wow, that's an eye opener; books on how to be a pastor’s wife. I guess it shouldn’t be too surprising though since there are also books on how to be a mom, or a divorcee or a just about anything. I guess I still don’t quite understand though, I mean, I don’t get offended when I’m labeled as a soccer mom. Just because I drive a van and take my kids to swim lessons doesn’t necessarily mean I spent the afternoon baking cookies too. And just because a book says that great moms read to their children every morning and every night doesn’t make me a failure if I don’t. I think what I am struggling with is that it seems like the fuss is over other peoples opinions. Our affirmation should come from God. It shouldn’t matter to me how other women; especially those who are not mothers, label me if I know who I am, and who I am in Christ. My accomplishments are not actually mine, they are God’s. If I am not given credit; it should be ok. If I am not noticed beyond a label; it should still be ok. My feelings on this might not be as strong if it weren’t for similar issues being played out in my own community right now, and I pray that my thoughts here are not taken offensively.
At 8/21/2006 10:25:00 PM, Makeesha

I don't struggle with people's opinions. I get annoyed when their opinions affect how I'm treated. For good or bad that's just how I feel. I'm generally a very unemotional person who doesn't give a rat's tail about what people think about me. But God has given me gifts and I believe we as Christians should respect one another enough to at least honor each person's contributions fully without giving them a title that isn't even appropriate to what they do.

If you don't have a problem with titles given you I think that's great. But there still is an issue at work here related to walking humbly with God
At 8/24/2006 05:35:00 PM, Tiffanie Lloyd

Are you saying then that we should claim the glory? I agree that it is both; us and Him, however, I'd be careful that my intent is not to seek glory or credit. If I receive it from others, ok. If I don't, should I be bitter?
At 8/25/2006 11:28:00 AM, Makeesha

I don't think it's necessarily glory that we should claim, but saying that "it's God not me" can become a slippery slope. For example, I hear comments like "why do you care that you're not seen as your husband's equal, you shouldn't be seeking self glorification anyway, it's only God's view of you that you should care about". That thinking is problematic on many levels, not the least of which that it's bad theology. You can carry that thinking so far that it can be used to justify ignoring poverty and injustice, ignoring emotional or verbal abuse...all manner of things.

So it's not so much that saying "all glory be to God" is a bad thing - in fact, our hearts's desire should be that we do all things for the glory of God...but when you say that at the expense of anything else, it can lead to imbalance that can be very dangerous.
At 8/25/2006 11:50:00 AM, Tiffanie Lloyd

I think my comment may have been taken slightly out of context; my point is simply that we really shouldn't get worked up over not "getting credit". You are right; it's a balance, on BOTH ends lies a slippery slope that we all must be cautious of. And, (I think) we too often slip on the side of demanding our own glory. Humility is the key, I think that it is when we are truly humble that God allows us to be recognized. When we place our own desire for credit above His, do you think He could be reserving it to teach us humility?
At 8/25/2006 10:06:00 PM, Makeesha

I actually see way too much self depreciation going on in the church when it comes to women so I don't think God is withholding status because so many women need to be humbled.

but I get your point
At 8/29/2006 07:28:00 AM, Revem

I am unsure how this will be taken, so please bear with me. I mean no harm by my following comments.
Whilst I recognise that a title based on your relationship with a man can feel minimising and dismissive, the role that is described is a unique one. A Pastor's wife fulfills a role that noone else in the church fulfills including that of the pastor.

I have had the blessing of being part of a retreat group over the past 3 years with women in a variety of ministries, one of which was being a pastors wife. I am a female pastor and have never experienced what it is to be a pastor's wife as my husband is a welder. In spending time with the pastors wives in my retreat group I became aware of the unique role they play in a church. A role which is definately ministering to others but not that of the pastor. it's just a different role, no more or less important than any other role just another part of the body of Christ.

For me a co pastor is someone who has done the same training etc as the other person whether it is the male or female who is the 'pastor'. My husband is my husband but he isn't a co-pastor just because I am a pastor neither am I a welder because he is. He has his ministry which I support him in and I have mine.

I guess for me the role of a pastors wife is a blessed, precious and unique one, all be it with a negative title. To try and water down the place it has in a church community seems to be disrespectful to the person and the ministry they are involved in.

I hope you can understand where I am coming from and hear my absolute respect for those of you who fill this important and sacred ministry.

Blessings
Revem
At 9/01/2006 12:51:00 AM, Makeesha

I don't think anyone is devaluing the role of "pastor's wife" regardless of the title. What I personally am saying is that I am not a pastor's wife and I don't like people's assuming that I am simply because I'm the woman. Some women ARE "pastor's wives" and they play vital roles and I agree that they aren't copastors by default. But I actually AM a copastor. And many women who are wives of pastors aren't "pastor's wives" in any traditional sense. They have their own ministry roles. If a woman is a support to her husband at home and raises the kids and does church stuff here and there then she plays a vital important role and that, to me, is a pastor's wife. our pastor's wife in CA was like that. But every other wife of a pastor I have known does not fill that position in that way. the wife of our current pastor runs the women's ministry. The wife of another of our pastors was the children's ministry pastor. another was the compassion ministry coordinator. Another was an evangelism pastor. I think if we're going to label people, let's at least be accurate and respectful of the whole person ...not something that we presume because of their gender.

If I said I was a pastor, it would automatically be assumed that David is the HEAD pastor. see the issue?
At 9/02/2006 09:13:00 PM, Chrissy

I really think that it is wonderful that those of us in the ministry are so diverse. It's what makes us all work so well together for the Word of God. I am a pastor's-wife-to-be and am excited to finally drop the "to-be". I will love being the traditional pastor's wife. Helping with Sunday school, leading the women's group, etc. I can't wait. But here at seminary there are many wife's (actually spouses for that matter) that feel much like many of you.. that it's a bad title, and should not be used. I think it's really up to you. If you don't like the term, simply express that to anyone who uses it. Say I prefer not to be called "the pastor's wife" or, I prefer you use a different discription of the pastor's spouse. One thing that really opened my eyes here at Seminary is that there are not just pastor's wives, but pastor's husbands too. We call out support group here on campus Fellowship of Wartburg SPOUSES for that very reason. So many women are going into the ministry and now the husbands are becoming the pastor's wives :) LOL. Talk about gender roles.

Really I think it's totally up to the person if they should be referred to as a pastor's spouse or not. When my husband graduates, that will be who I am, I am his wife, I am the "pastor's wife" and I will love it :)
At 9/04/2006 10:27:00 PM, Makeesha

I must not be expressing myself correctly. It's not a problem with the title. It's a problem with the attitudes about women not allowed in ministry that created that title in the first place...and then with it, created all the disclaimers down the road. Things like "pastor's wives are underapreciated, they are vital to the pastor and his church"...well yeah, because they actually RUN many aspects of the church because they're not JUST a pastor's wife.

I agree that if you enjoy the traditional role of pastor's wife which really just means that you do whatever your husband and the church need done regardless of your own gifts, then by all means, I applaud you and thank God for you.

But this really isn't about the title for me, it's about the attitudes that drive that term to be used.

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