We've been going to this new church since the end of the Summer. It's a Vineyard church. One of the things that drew me to the Vineyard and made me a pariah at my Baptist church was that when I worship God I get too locked into the tractor beam of loving on Jesus that I cannot be still. I don't realize I'm raising my hands until my hand accidentally touches my husband's chin or something like that. I didn't even realize till it was too late that I had developed a reputation at my church for being "too charismatic". This developed not out of a desire to be "showy" or overly excited or contrived and deliberate like a high school pep rally. It was instead born out of Christ doing a deep work in my heart over a two year period, almost like open heart surgery and the only pain relief was worship. Worship was no longer dessert it was meat and potatoes. It was nourishment and life and breath to me. So when the way I worshipped made me unpopular, I was surprized no shocked that people who had so known my walk with the Lord for years would judge me and dismiss me treating me like some kind of charismatic lunatic. I was disspointed. But it was no contest. Worship my lavish affection upon God or stand still and pretend just so I could get man's approval? Stop breathing oxygen or start breathing helium instead? Yeah. What. Ever. No can do, buddy boy.
So here we are at the Vineyard where it is okay, even desirable for all the gifts of the Holy Spirit to operate. In a grounded and nonflaky way. And worship at this church had such an overt hunger for God. I loved it. My husband even pointed out to me when a couple of ladies were gently dancing while they worshipped. I was so so hungry for that. But still shy. Real shy. Shy to move my feet. I had no problem with raising my arms. That felt like giving God a hug. But my feet. I was too afraid to move them. But we started sitting in some seats where I had room to move so my hands would not bump somoene's arm or chin accidentally when I opened my arms wide to embrace God while I sang. But for weeks, when I sang, I would close my eyes and visualize myself as a little girl, standing in a field or meadow with my arms outstretched twirling around with my eyes closed and face to the sun. This image would come to my mind unbidden. I knew it was an inviatation from God. This Sunday, when we sat down, my husband said, "So we're sitting here cause there's twirling room." He's never said that. and when the worship started, at first, I was just along for the ride. Hiding from God. Still cringing from the month I've had. But in my spirit, Jesus kept saying that verse from Song of Solomon, "let me see your face let me hear your voice for your voice is sweet and your face is lovely." So I did. I quit holding back and started letting my facial expressions show. I directed my gaze and all my energy in singing to the Lord to love on Him. and I could feel it. Honest to God. I could feel His delight. Like Eric Liddell said, "when I run I feel His pleasure" So I kept going. I raised my hands. More like I let them raise themselves. and again, that vision in my mind of me as a little girl twirling in a field smiling with the sun on my face arms outstretched. I knew God wanted me to do it. So in my mind I'm saying, "God are you sure?" "Yes. Yes." So I said, "Okay. I'll wait for the chorus." Which is so funny. But real. It's like I was a kid standing on the edge of the high dive. Today. I move my feet. Gulp.
So the chorus came. and I did it. I kept my arms outstretched hugging God and I closed my eyes and turned my face up to the sun and I twirled in a slow gentle circle. It. felt. awesome.
I felt all the innocent freedom and joy of a little girl.
After church, I was talking with a friend from homegroup when a lady I've never met walked up to me. She was waiting to talk to me. She said, (she was so shy) she said, "God told me something to tell you. I dont usually do this. Is that okay with you." "Sure. Yes. Go ahead." This shy lady said, "Um God wants you to know that he likes the way you worship. He likes it very much just the way you do it today."
Is THAT AWESOME OR WHAT??
The lady and me were both smiling and crying.
It was awesome.
Thanks for letting me share.